Intro

A few days ago, my wife and I got to celebrate our first anniversary. It is amazing to think of how things are going by so quickly. It definitely doesn’t seem like it has been a year since I said I do. In the year a lot has happened, and there have been many times that have been really difficult, but by God’s grace we have been able to get through them.

It is wonderful to celebrate this time together and reminisce about all the good times that we have had together, but it is also beneficial to take a look back at all of the hard times we have been through to see what we can learn. By taking the time to learn from the past, we can better set ourselves up to not repeat the same things in the future.

I have come up with a small list of things that I have learned during this first year of marriage. Hopefully, they will help you as well or at least give you something to think about for your own marriage or relationship.

I have include a few pictures from our first year together for you to enjoy.

Communication

This is by far the most important thing that we have had to learn. It is by being able to communicate, many of the other things that I have learned have been made easier. Also, many of the difficulties that we experienced would have been non-issues.

Anyone who has any experience working with people will tell you how important communication is, and I can’t agree more. Unfortunately, we can’t read minds, so the only way that we can let someone else know what we need is if we take the time to communicate with them.

Communication can take several different forms which can each be used effectively in the right circumstances, but there is nothing better than taking the time to be face to face with someone especially if dealing with hurt feelings or a sensitive topic.

Many will say that they only like to text because it is easy, and I agree that it is. However, if you are trying to communicate, texting is not always the best way to do things. I don’t want to hear anyone say that they are just bad communicators. That might be true that you are, but that doesn’t mean that you have to stay that way. As with all things, communicating is a skill and one that you can get better at. The best way to get better at communicating is by setting the expectation for yourself that you are going to be better. Then it is up to you to work on being better.

It might sound like I am being hard on you, but communication is something that you can get better at; it just takes practice. I know I still have a long way to go with my communication skills, but it is something that I am consciously aware of and as such I can strive to make improvements with how I communicate with my wife and with anyone else around me as well.

Differences in Expectations

Going back to the need for communication, expectations are something that should be communicated instead of just being assumed. That can be difficult because often you don’t even think to discuss them because you are so used to just doing things one way.

For us, one big difference we had was in how we did gifts. Rachel and I come from different backgrounds when it comes to gift giving, and I am more used to giving one gift while she is more used to giving multiple gifts. This was something that we had to sit down and discuss early in our marriage, and though I am still not the best at it, I have gotten better at it. I could have argued with her about it, but I know that she is not going to change her way of giving, so to make her feel appreciated, I in turn have to give more.

This is not a problem, but is just a small example of a difference in expectations that we had when we got married. There have been many other small things that have been differences in expectations and when we find them, we have a conversation about them.

Difficulties in Being Apart

Unfortunately, we had to spend the first several months of marriage where we could only see each other on the weekends because we were living in separate states due to our jobs. It can be difficult to realize how much things change when you can’t be with the person that you love.

Again, this helped with out communication because if there was something that was going on with one of us, we had to make sure to communicate clearly so that we didn’t have anything that would fester between the times when we saw each other.

I don’t know anyone who enjoys saying goodbye, and having to say goodbye every week was very difficult. The only thing that made it better was that we knew that we were going to see each other again in just a few days. There were several days where we spent hours on the phone with each others because it is always good to talk with someone about how your day went and what you are excited about.

When living apart we had a few differences in expectations in how much we would communicate and this in turn put a strain on our relationship. Once we were married, this was much better than when we were still dating and had to be apart, but still there were a few times when communication didn’t flow like we thought it should.

My advice for anyone who is dealing with a long-distance relationship or being separated from your spouse for a time, is to find the best way to communicate. Sure, texts can be nice, but a phone call is better. If you have the time and are able to, a video call can be even better as it gives you the best way to communicate with each other when you can’t be physically with someone. I advise you to come up with a plan for how and how often you are going to communicate with each other. This will help your relationship tremendously. You can only get out of a relationship what you are willing to put into it, so you have to be willing to put in the effort to communicate.

Sometimes You Will Get Upset

Some days I just wake up on the wrong side of the bed and it doesn’t seem to matter what anyone does, I am still cranky. Even when I am not trying to be cranky, some times I just am. The same can be said about being upset. In marriage and in life, some times you just get upset at the other person.

There have been many times that one of us has been upset with the other and in these times it has helped so much when we try to answer in love. Sure it can be difficult to love someone who has hurt your feelings, or to show love to someone whose feelings you have hurt, but this has been one of the biggest things that has helped to strengthen our relationship with each other.

It doesn’t always seem possible to love, but we have found time and time again that showing each other love does far more to remedy the situation than getting mad at each other ever has. It is during these times that we also turn to God to help us get through it.

I know there have been times when I have really upset my wife. When this happens, I do everything that I can to try to show her love. Often this involves wrapping her in a big hug and telling her it will be okay. Other times it means doing things for her around the house that show her I love her while still giving her time to be alone.

The only thing that helps every time is when we turn to God. Many times I have turned to God asking for forgiveness for whatever I have done that has hurt my wife. I pray for forgiveness and for my own heart to be changed so that I won’t repeat my failure. I pray that our relationship can be restored and that through it all, my wife and I will come out the other side with a stronger relationship.

It can be very humbling to fall on your knees and pray for your relationship when you have done wrong, but God is faithful and he has shown time and time again that he wants us to come to him.

“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,

Ephesians 4:26 (NIV)

We have a rule in our house that we don’t go to bed when we are upset, and we don’t sleep in different beds when we are upset. This comes from advice that we got in pre-marital counseling and it has definitely made a huge impact. Sure, it isn’t always the most fun thing to stay up when everything inside of you wants to go to sleep, but the relationship has been and always be worth more than a little missed sleep.

My advice for others is to realize that you will get upset about something in your relationship, and then have a plan for how you are going to handle when you get upset. This might look different for everyone, but it should always include God and seeking him to better your relationship. I also recommend not going to bed angry, but taking the time to work things out between you.

Some Things Just Aren’t Worth Arguing About

No matter how good you think you are at communication, there will still be things that pop up from time to time that you will have things where you just don’t agree. If you ask any man who has been married for any length of time, you will ask him what the secret to a successful marriage is, he will probably say, “Yes, dear.”

This can be very difficult to say especially when you don’t agree, but you have to ask yourself. How important is it that you are right? Somethings matter a lot such as where you want to go to church or how you want to raise your children. Those things shouldn’t just be flippantly agreed on to keep the peace, but should instead be topics of conversation.

Other things don’t matter as much, such as, what a sign said, or which way the toilet paper goes. These things just don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. It is times like this where even though you think that you are 100% right that it is okay to cede and let the other person have a win.

I will by no means say that I am perfect at this, but I know that I have gotten much better at it over the past year. I also know that I will continue to get better at it as time goes on. Like many other things, this is something that can be improved with time and can be worked on.

My advice is to find a few battles where you need to have deeper conversations and to stick with your convictions, but also to take the time to realize that not everything is a hill to die on.

How to Grow in Faith Together

This has been incredible to see how God has brought us together over the past year. We have done several Bible studies together, and already we can both see how we have grown in our faith and in our relationship with God.

When we first got married, we decided that we wanted to have our home be a place where we could host people and have Bible studies. So far we have been able to do this, and we are so grateful to God for providing us a home where we can make this a reality.

It can also be very beneficial to have someone with whom you can share your struggles. Someone who stands in your corner praying for you. When you have someone to do life with, it can be easier to see the times when God has been present and active because there is someone else who sees everything that he has done. Without having someone else, it can be difficult to remember all the times he has been there, but having someone else can serve as a reminder of his blessings and his provision.

Furthermore, having someone else also gives a second perspective on God’s word. By having this second perspective, it can lead to interesting discussions on what God’s word says. Many of us have our ideas of what the scriptures mean because of the way that we were taught growing up. However, this is not always the best way to explain the scriptures, and in some cases, what we have always thought is just our own interpretation and not something that is backed by scripture at all. Having a second person can then help to get a better understanding of God’s word.

For those of you who aren’t yet married, I would recommend finding a small group with whom you can hold each other accountable and dig deeper into the Word of God. Even for those who are married, I would recommend the same, knowing that it will look different as a couples’ small group than as a singles small group, but both are beneficial and equally valid.

Conclusion

I hope that this has been a good look at a few of the things that I have learned during the first year of marriage. I know there have been many other things that I have learned, but this is a good sample from that list.

I can’t wait to see what the next years of marriage look like for us. I am so excited knowing that I get to spend the rest of my life with the woman whom I love so much.

What about you? What are some things that you learned during your first year of marriage? Let us know in the comments below.